ok, so i just got a request to restart my blog. it has been forever and i am not sure i have enough stuff to put in this. i know in the past i actually came up with some interesting stuff, but i am wondering if i kind of let all my creative juices flow all over the ground and that was kind of it for me. well we will see. the good news is that i dont have to capitalize in blogs...... at least i am not supposed to have to, but that may insult some folks. oh well , i have been doing that for so long i guess i should not be surprised.



i have noticed recently that i have a lot of mood issues...................yeah, i know that is no surprise to anyone that knows me, but i have been trying to take the opportunity to notice my "issues" and see what i can do to influence them for the good of myself and those around me ..........even if they dont care. so , like i said mood issues. as some of you know i have recently been employed in a "permanent" job. its kind of funny really, the term permanent....i mean in this day and age there is really no such thing as job security or a permanent position, but for the sake of argument, my position is permanent in the sense that i now have benefits, vacation days and all those other things that most people take for granted. i have not had a job like that since we moved to Texas a little over 5 years ago. so now i have a job i love that is 8 miles from my house and doing something i love and etc etc etc. and some days i find myself wondering when the next shoe is going to drop.

i know being a "person of faith" i should not have that feeling and the good Pentecostal in me says i should "bind that thought in Jesus name and cast it in the pit", but the human side of me says" yeah , well it has been a bit strange for the past few years so maybe you should just be weary of the blessing" that is one of my issues too. i can have two sided conversations with myself. the good news is that i can not help but be the winner, the bad news is i dont always like the ideas of the winning side.

The good thing is that this feeling has driven me to work even harder to do the best job i can. i know i should be doing that anyway , and i believe that i normally do, but now it feels like i have a reason to do even better.

now the conundrum. am i a: doing a better job because i am afraid if i dont i will lose my job . or b: I am doing a better job because i actually like what i am doing and am grateful for the opportunity i have been given......or should it even matter WHY ? it is just a good thing. Boy am i glad i didn't use the old " on the other hand scenario because i would have to of had three hands..............

so at this point i guess i should try to draw a conclusion.................. wait for it.................wait for it..............sorry , dont have one. i think i have decided in my life that while i want to do the best i can and i want to understand myself, i just dont sometimes.